stay down on yourself if you feel a glimpse of hope

What it feels like to be me in list form:

- I am only awake because I am on duty.

- I am on duty because my friend and fellow RA has been called to military duty down in LA. I hope he returns in one piece and with good spirits.

- If I was feeling any worse, then I would be most likely dead.

- The only person that can make me feel better decided to go to sleep before I could come back to say goodnight while I stepped out.

- I need to wake up at 8AM to make a road trip to dirty Jersey.

- I really need to stop complaining.

- Even though I feel like shit, I really did feel extremely happy a few hours ago while still at my internship.

- CMJ is right around the corner. I need to get out of this place. Seeing everyone in NYC over the course of the convention will hopefully make me feel better.

- I am going to set up an appointment with my doctor back home to get some meds...as Marc Bianchi once said "I figured out the key to short term success...just tell everyone that you're clinically depressed."

- Speaking of Mr. Bianchi, one of the biggest opportunities thus far at college as happened for me: FMQB wants me to write a weekly column about my prediction of what will do well in college radio and then do well in commercial radio. This is a breakthrough for both forms of radio and of course me. Her Space Holiday will be my very first piece to write on.

- It has been decided that Cabrini is no doubt the cause of my depression and anxiety. I think this means that I will go on being miserable for the next year and a half.

- Note: the only way to cover up how I feel is of course to smile. Smile as I talk to students who don't give a shit what I'm talking about. Smile as I tell kids about music they don't care about. Smile as I argue with my parents as they prove once again to not care about me.

- I'm thinking about starting smoking again. I know it's bad for me. I know it's a waste of money. But seriously with all the aggravation right now, I think it's the best form of relief.

- My friends want to meet my significant other during CMJ. Although I've told him on repeat times to come up for the weekend of CMJ, he won't come even though I've tried to stress how important it is to me.

- I get to eat Surf Taco with Panda tomorrow which is the biggest reason why I'm getting up at the crack ass of dawn to drive to the state I hate the most.

- It better be fucking sunny tomorrow because my ass is going to be tanning by Panda's poolside.